deanna. 20. far from what i once was, but not yet what i am going to be.

"I’m so fucking sick of saying I’m sorry when I’m the one collapsed on the ground."
(via ckgarden)

Posted: 4 days ago

Wednesday, September 17th

515,469 notes


It’s a metaphor, see: you hold a pen with your homework in front of you, but you don’t do it, you don’t give it the power to do its killing

Posted: 4 days ago


i hope you get to fuck somebody to an arctic monkeys song

Posted: 4 days ago


Current mood:
Anxious, frustrated, and in dire need of a blanket fort.

Posted: 4 days ago

"Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision that upsets other people. You are not responsible for their happiness. You are responsible for your happiness."
Isaiah Henkel (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

Posted: 4 days ago

A little more than a month since I went to Italy and I can’t believe it’s already came and went. I think part of the problem I’m having currently is that for such a long time I was not even remotely thinking about what would come AFTER the big adventure. It’s like, the credits rolled and everyone’s left the movie theater but there’s another hour and a half of movie left afterwards. Who does that?

I guess that’s the hard part about getting back to reality. Yeah, I did have thoughts about what this semester would entail, but they mostly were feelings of dread when it came to returning to that godforsaken music department. Surprisingly, it’s not nearly as bad as I expected. There are people I’ve been enjoying spending time with that I was convinced I’d not be able to stand after all that’s happened over the last two years. Two years is a long time, and a lot has happened even just over the last couple of months. I’ve made decisions on my own, and to be honest, I stand by them all. I can say that even though they weren’t the smartest of decisions, I still do not regret them.

I came away from my time abroad with a lot. I saw so many beautiful places, did so many awe-inspiring things. Everyday was it’s own little adventure. Coming back here, where actually everyday consists of some combination of school, practicing and work.. Not so much adventures but obstacles to overcome. It’s a whole different experience. I’m restless, all I want to do is take a drive and not have to worry that I should be practicing instead.

I know that’s the nature of the field. I know it’s best for me to finish out this degree, and I do want that. I know that I want to do more than just be a carbon copy of all the past Post graduates who go on the paved path of teaching/grad school/not being able to find a job for a while/eventually finding a music ed job and busting your ass to do it well. I want to do more. Yes, I want to teach. Nothing gets me more excited then the thought of influencing and working with young students. I can’t picture myself in any other field.

And yes I NEED to travel. I thrive on those new experiences, seeing as much of this huge world as I can. That humble feeling of knowing that there’s hundreds of languages in this world besides your own, billions of people with their own problems who don’t actually care that you’re sitting at the lunch table by yourself. It’s hard to rationalize, it’s just a visceral need at this point. All these opportunities being thrown at me, London, Argentina, whatever else the future holds, it’s not a question of if I’m going, it’s a question of how I’m making it happen. And again, it should not matter what people think when they hear I’m getting back on a plane going across the world less than 3 months since I got home from the last adventure. Maybe I’m running from reality, my problems, whatever else I leave behind, but more importantly, I run towards new beginnings.

It’s important to remember the key thing I took away from this trip. I am a person who lives for herself. I am a singer, a vocalist, a musician, who is bettering her craft for herself, who is working the hardest she can to be prepared and meet the expectations and requirements to fulfill her responsibilities in ensembles and this degree program. NOT someone who is trying to be “just as good as” or “better than” everyone else. I am a future educator, who wants to broaden the horizons of her students, prepare them for what life has in store for them, academically and in life. This may entail working for a public school, teaching abroad, or in some setting I haven’t discovered yet. I am NOT someone who will settle for a job that doesn’t suit me. I am not someone who settles at all. I am a traveller, who will jump at every opportunity I can to see new things, new places, experience history I’ve never seen or known before. I am NOT a spoiled brat for wanting this. I am a friend, a real life human person who cares for other real life human people and who is also capable of making mistakes and doing foolish things. I am NOT regretful, judged, slutty, or cruel in any intentional way. I am not the center of everyone’s attention. Everyone is their own center of attention and that’s okay.

Good things are always ahead, even if they’re hard to see. Good things are already here, and sometimes they’re very hard to see but they’re always there.

Posted: 4 days ago

Thursday, August 28th

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do you ever get sad over something that happened a long time ago because i do 

Posted: 3 weeks ago

Thursday, August 28th

28,920 notes

Thursday, August 28th

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Personal blog // Following back similar

Thursday, August 28th

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Thursday, August 28th

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Thursday, August 28th

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Oops I accidentally neglected this blog because of life so here’s a picture of a road and a mountain that I took this past weekend. 

Thursday, August 28th

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